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  “She didn’t leave because she didn’t love you. The mother who abandons her child is the one who is screwed up. Not the child. I bet she thinks about you every single day.”

  “I hope she doesn’t think about me. Ever. If she regretted her decision, it would make everything that much worse. I hope she found whatever it was that she was looking for, so at least it was all worth it in the end.” I glanced at the clock on the stove. “You’d better go get ready. Class starts in twenty.”

  “I wish you were coming with me.”

  I sighed. “I do, too.”

  I walked back to the recliner and turned on the television. Having to drop all of my classes this semester due to my extenuating circumstances not only set my graduation date back, but it was yet another thing that alienated me from campus life. Shelly and I were having the average college experience, and we were always together. Now, her experience continued while mine was on hold.

  Ten minutes later, Shelly swung her bag onto her shoulder and grabbed her keys off the breakfast nook. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  “It’s Thursday – aren’t you staying at Brody’s?”

  “Not tonight. Maybe Saturday… or whenever.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I told Brody I wanted to stay home with you tonight.”

  “Shelly, I’m fine. You haven’t seen much of Brody lately, and I don’t need any help around here. My other extremities work just fine. Seriously, go bang your boyfriend.”

  She bit her bottom lip while she contemplated it. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  I pointed to her room. “Go pack your bag.”

  She quickly disappeared into her room, and I could hear the sound of her toiletries being tossed into her duffle bag. Just because I had to sit home every night didn’t mean she had to.

  When she emerged from her room once again, she kissed the top of my head on her way to the door. “Love you, Toad.”

  “Love you, Frog.”

  My eyelids felt heavy from lack of sleep, but I was too afraid to close my eyes. The hours passed slowly as I tried to keep myself occupied. Two movies, a long shower, and four-hundred pages later, I heard my stomach growling. It was a little after six o’clock, but I ignored it; the fridge was empty with the exception of milk and jelly, and I had no interest in walking anywhere.

  The sound of my phone startled me. It was Chase. I had not responded to any of his phone calls or texts since I left him in the parking lot yesterday. I was trying to figure out what to say before he picked me up for therapy in the morning, but nothing had come to me. If I didn’t answer now, though, I’d have to deal with the awkward conversation in person.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, open up before I drop something.”

  “Open up?”

  “Yes. Your door: the big rectangular thing that lets people in and out of the apartment.”

  I rolled my eyes as I got up from the chair.

  Chase was carefully balancing two fountain drinks on top of two take-out containers as he walked up the stairs when I opened the door. “You know, I could actually hear you rolling your eyes at me on the other side of the phone.”

  “What is all this?”

  “This is dinner.” He walked past me and set everything down on the kitchen table. Then he began rummaging through the cabinets. “I saw Shelly on my way out of class, and she mentioned you’d be by yourself tonight. I hope you like tacos.”

  “She mentioned I’d be by myself, or she told you to check up on me?”

  “She mentioned it. I figured you needed dinner.” He stopped to face me. “I know you don’t want my help. If you want me to leave, I can go.”

  I don’t know if it was the look on his face, or the hunger speaking. “Well, I can’t let perfectly good tacos go to waste.”

  He smiled.

  We sat down and let the crunching of tacos fill the silence. I was grateful I decided to shower today. I was also grateful to not be in pajamas with a Muppet on them. Chase sat across from me in a white t-shirt and black basketball shorts. I noted how his sleeves fit snugly around his biceps, and then silently scolded myself for noticing.

  “So, how long were you planning on ignoring my calls?”

  “I didn’t have a specific timeframe.”

  “Well, if you would have answered sooner, you would have heard me tell you that I am sorry for talking to my mom about the apartment. You clearly told me you were not interested, and I kept pushing the issue.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to be sorry.”

  “But I am.”

  I shrugged and kept crunching on my taco.

  “You’re not into apologies, are you?”

  “Nope. Why apologize for something that you meant to say or do? People are only sorry because they don’t want the other person to continue to be upset. It’s like when someone kisses a wound; it doesn’t actually make it feel better – it’s just something people do.”

  “Or people are truly sorry for what they did because they didn’t realize how much it would upset someone… and we kiss wounds because that’s how we show we care. You’re very cynical for someone our age, you know.”

  “I’m told it’s one of my redeeming qualities.”

  “You have many.”

  “Sure. If you’re into people with avoidant personality disorder.”

  He laughed and shook his head, taking another bite of his taco. His square jaw tensed as he chewed.

  More crunching in silence. I knew it was my turn. I swallowed my bite, and then I had to swallow my pride.

  “I didn’t mean to freak out over it. You were trying to do something nice, and I overreacted. I appreciate you asking your mom about the apartment. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, actually.”

  “You have?”

  “I can’t keep staying at Shelly’s. She’s got her own life, and I don’t want to interfere.”

  “Something tells me she doesn’t look at it that way.”

  “She doesn’t. She’d never say so, but I know she is tired of being woken up in the middle of the night, and she feels like she can’t have Brody over. I feel like I’m putting her entire life on hold.”

  “What’s waking her up in the middle of the night?”

  I looked down at my lap, wishing I hadn’t let that part out. “I just have nightmares sometimes.”

  “Sometimes?”

  “Every time I try to sleep, I have this recurring nightmare. It’s terrifying, so I guess I scream in my sleep… and it wakes her up.”

  Chase’s eyebrows pushed together. “What is happening in your dream?”

  I wanted to say I didn’t remember, but he was watching me too closely. He’d know I was lying, and call me out on it. “Do you know any of the details about my accident?”

  “Just that you were pulled from your car after you crashed into a tree.”

  “Well, the dream is very vivid. It’s like reliving that night over and over. I can feel the blood gushing out of my head; I can smell the burning from the fire. I wait to be rescued, but it never happens… so I’m trapped.”

  “How does it end?”

  “I close my eyes and accept the fact that I’m about to die. That’s usually the part when Shelly wakes me up.”

  His eyes looked far away. I knew he must have been searching for the right thing to say.

  “Hopefully your parents put some really good insulation in that apartment, so I don’t wake up the entire household.”

  His eyes raised up to meet mine. “Are you saying you’re going to take it?”

  “I’d like to talk to your parents first.”

  “You can tomorrow, after therapy.”

  I nodded.

  “Speaking of tomorrow, you should come out to Big Nose Kate’s tomorrow night.”

  I scrunched my nose. “I try to avoid crowds with this contraption.”

  “I bet you could get a lot of free drinks with a sling.”

  “I don’t ne
ed a sling to get free drinks.”

  “Touché. Shawn is throwing himself a birthday party. Brody is going. I’m sure he’ll want to bring Shelly. It’ll be fun.” He kept his eyes on me while I mulled it over in my head. “I mean, I’ll be there. What more could you ask for?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “What’s to think about? Just come.”

  “Something tells me you’ll show up here anyway, whether I say yes or not.”

  He grinned. “Now you’re getting it.”

  I really was not getting it at all. Since he started driving me to therapy, I had eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner with Chase; now he wanted to hang out on a Friday night? None of it made sense.

  He stood and tossed our containers into the trash can. “I’m in the mood to watch a movie. Got any good ones?”

  I raised my eyebrows. “You’re staying?”

  “Do you have somewhere else to be?”

  “I just might.”

  “Who’s the lucky guy?”

  “I don’t think you know him. He’s tall; rides a horse. He’ll be here at nine to whisk me away in his shiny armor.”

  “Prince Charming? I’m right here!”

  I smirked as I stood to bring my plate to the sink. Chase quickly followed and grabbed the sponge.

  “If you’re a prince, where’s your horse? I don’t see one outside.”

  “Oh, it’s there - all four-hundred and twenty five of them.” He grinned, proud of the horsepower in the hemi engine parked out front.

  I laughed as I shook my head.

  “You should do that more often.”

  “Do what?”

  “Laugh.”

  “I laugh when things are funny.”

  “You don’t laugh enough around me.”

  I shrugged. “I guess you’re just not that funny then.”

  “I’m funny!” He flicked water from his fingers onto my face.

  I paused for a moment, contemplating my counterattack. I reached into the sink and scooped out a handful of soap suds at him in retaliation.

  He keeled over at the waist, holding his right eye. “Ow! It burns!”

  “Shit! I didn’t mean to–”

  Before I could finish my sentence, he had the sink hose in his hand, pointed at me like a squirt gun. He squeezed the trigger, and I squealed as the spray of cold water hit me. This meant war. I snatched my empty cup out of the sink, and began filling it with water.

  “Okay! Truce!” Chase held up both hands, dropping the hose into the sink.

  I acted like I was putting the cup back into the sink, but spun around on my toes to dump the water over the top of his head. He tried to get away but his foot slipped in the puddle of water now on the floor. His feet went up, and he fell down onto the tile.

  I burst into laughter.

  Chase was laughing, too, as he ran his fingers through his wet hair. “You’re lucky your arm is in that sling!”

  I was doubled over, and could barely catch my breath. “If this is how you’re going to make me laugh, you can fall on your ass every time we’re together.”

  “And you said I wasn’t funny.”

  I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. I ripped off a few paper towels and knelt down to dry the floor beside him.

  “So, Prince Charming, huh? That’s who you’re waiting for?”

  “I’m not waiting for anybody. Life’s not a fairy tale. Princes don’t come along on their white horses and rescue women from their terrible lives.”

  “Tell that to Cinderella.”

  “Please. Cinderella loses a shoe and it leads her perfect guy right to her. In real life, if a girl loses her shoe at midnight it just means she’s drunk.”

  “You can’t fool me, you know. You wear that tough cynical skin on the outside, but I don’t believe it for one minute. I know who you really are.”

  “How could you possibly know me? You’ve never said two words to me before last week.”

  “Just because we’ve never spoken to one another doesn’t mean I don’t know what kind of person you are.”

  “And what kind of person do you think I am?”

  “I didn’t say I think I know who you are. I said I know you. I know you have a huge, caring heart that you protect behind the stone wall you put up around it. You always stuck up for the kids who were being bullied in elementary school, even though they were bigger and stronger than you. I know you are super smart, and always did well in school. I know you and Shelly would chase butterflies on the playground every day during recess. I know you dated guys that you were too good for. I know you took care of your father when your mom left. I know she hurt you. I could see it in your eyes. I know you were different after that. I never knew her, but I hated her for changing you. I also know your dad was your world, and I know how much you miss him.”

  I sat on the floor of the tiny kitchen, stunned. All this time I had known him, never once did I think he gave me more than a passing glance.

  “What happened?” he asked carefully. “What happened to that girl?”

  “A lot happened. My father wasn’t the same after my mother disappeared. Something inside his brain snapped, as if he had no idea how to continue on without her. At thirteen, I had to pick up the pieces of our broken lives. I spent all of my time with him, when I wasn’t in school, trying my best to cheer him up and take care of the house. The man who never had more than a beer or two on occasion began finishing bottles of vodka by the day. His drinking became such a problem that his job eventually let him go. I babysat after school to earn as much quick cash as I could, returning home by seven to cook dinner for someone who was already passed out for the night. I ate alone, cleaned alone, and paid the bills alone. I did everything alone because I didn’t have any other option. When all I wanted was someone to help me, help never came.”

  “So you learned early on that the only person you could depend on in life was yourself.”

  “Sometimes, you’re all you’ve got in this world.”

  “You don’t have to be alone anymore. You have me, for what it’s worth.”

  I looked into his eyes. The striking shade of dark green was illuminated by the light brown sunburst around his pupils. “Why didn’t you ever talk to me? Why watch me from a distance and not say anything?”

  “Honestly, I didn’t have the guts.”

  “So, what changed?”

  “Everything. Coming back from California to find you like this. My dad, your dad. Do you believe things happen for a reason?”

  “I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s hard to think there’s a reason this all happened to me, like there’s some stupid lesson I’m supposed to learn from it.”

  “Well, I believe it. Whatever the reason is, I don’t think things happen by coincidence.”

  “It almost seems like life is one big domino set. I crashed my car because I was drunk; I was drunk because I was depressed after having to bury my father; my father killed himself because my mother left us…” I trailed off.

  “So, what do you think set off the domino effect? Why do you think your mother ran off to begin with?”

  “That has been the million dollar question I ask myself every single day. Part of me feels like the reason could never be good enough to justify it; the other part of me feels like I would feel better if I knew what the hell happened. I never got closure.” I shook my head. “It’s always the people who you are closest to that hurt you. And they’re the ones you can’t let go of.”

  “Sometimes in life, you have to give yourself closure. Let it go. You’ll drive yourself crazy otherwise. If she moved on and doesn’t care, sad as that is, then you should forget her, too.”

  I felt a smile creep onto my face. “Give yourself closure. I like that.”

  “See? I’m not so bad to talk to after all.”

  I looked down at my lap, sheepishly. “I should have never judged you as harshly as I did.”

  He shrugged. “It happens. Ju
st promise that you’ll get to know me. The real me. Not the version you conjure up in that head of yours.”

  I held out my pinky. “I promise.”

  Chase smiled his wide grin, and locked his pinky with mine.

  Chapter Five: Big Nose Kates

  “Gimme a sec!” I shouted over the incessant banging coming from the other side of the door.

  “Come on, Merritt! Just let me see!” Shelly whined.

  Glancing at the time on my watch, I continued to fuss with my chest in the black tank top I had chosen to wear.

  “This sling is way too tight,” I said as I swung open the door. “Can you adjust it for me?”

  Shelly’s eyes lit up, staring directly at my overly pushed up C cups. “Holy boobs! You look hot!”

  I rolled my eyes and turned back to the mirror. “They only look this big because they’re being squished together by this stupid thing. Loosen the back a little?”

  “I think you should leave it exactly the way it is.”

  “I really don’t feel like pulling an Elizabeth Swan in the middle of the bar tonight.”

  “Why not? I bet Chase would cut you out of it.” Shelly wiggled her eyebrows.

  I shot her a look.

  “Fine! You never let me have any fun.” She loosened the strap much less than I wanted, and I knew that was all I was getting out of her.

  “Chase is more Will Turner than Jack Sparrow, by the way.”

  The doorbell, followed by Shelly’s high-pitched squeal, signaled that Brody and Chase had arrived. I had a knot in my stomach all day, and it only twisted tighter as I got ready to leave. Shelly would never let me out of going tonight. I took a deep breath as I surveyed myself in the mirror one last time before shutting the light.

  “Doesn’t she look hot?” Shelly asked as we entered the living room.

  “Stop.” I jabbed her in her ribs while I watched Chase’s eyes survey my exposed legs in the short denim shorts I had chosen to wear. The humidity during summers in New York caused my hair to expand five inches all the way around my head, so I had to draw the attention elsewhere.